Part II: The Bad -- It Had to Be You

Here we are again, folks. My name is Abbey and I am here to tell you about a book I hate. Also known as The Bad. 

Book title: It Had to Be You (No, it didn’t. Why did it have to be you that I chose to read? And now reread for the purpose of writing this blog? Why did you ever have to exist in the first place, you terrible, terrible book?) 

Author: Stephanie Doyon (She apparently has written other YA books, but thankfully no other love stories which I might be forced to read and, for that reason, I still believe in God.)

“I’m in love with a guy I’ve never seen. I’ve fallen for his heart, his soul, and his mind. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt if he had a gorgeous smile…”

What the cover of this book doesn’t foreshadow is how awful it will be and for that I can never forgive it. I have chosen to give you two covers here. I had never seen the second, slightly greenish one, but it came up while I was Googling and I thought it was so truly awful I needed to include it. They usually use cover photos that look slightly like the people described in the book, but these two girls are completely different. I’m pretty sure the first pale girl is closer to what the book describes, whereas the girl in the second one is possibly…Mexican-Martian? And the guy is a...hologram?
                                                 

Synopsis per the back of the book

Rebecca Lowe’s in love. The only problem is she’s never even met the guy. Or has she? After weeks of exchanging love letters by computer, Rebecca’s finally going to have a face-to-face date with her cybercrush at the homecoming dance. But when she sees Jordan West in the secret meeting spot, Rebecca doesn’t know what to do.

No one at school bugs Rebecca more than Jordan and his save-the-world attitude, yet no one seems to understand her the way he does on-line. Can this Mr. Wrong turn out to be oh-so-right? 

Okay, I know this sounds really good from what you’ve heard so far, and you really don’t understand why I dislike it so much. This book pulled the wool over my eyes, too, I’ll admit. But do not fear, reader. I will prove to you in due course that my hatred is justified. 

As you can tell from the summary, this book is basically a YA version of “You’ve Got Mail.” Except the banter isn’t witty, you will not give one solitary shit about the characters, and the fashion is really embarrassing. At least Meg Ryan was just blandly dowdy and not blatantly cringe worthy.

But enough of my complaining. Allow me to show you. 

The book opens with Rebecca Lowe and her BFF Leslie on the first day of school, talking about what kind of boy they want to nab for the school year. Leslie wants a hot senior by the end of the year, whereas Rebecca is just hoping for a date to Homecoming. Apparently, her date last year wore a too small purple tux, and Rebecca was extremely embarrassed in her “brand new, stack-heeled penny loafers.” 

Speaking of which, the author really loves describing things. In these love stories, sometimes they’ll just pick one fashion accessory to include per scene. But this author has described her loafers, her “cream colored skirt with lavender flowers” and her “brand new five subject notebook” all within a space of about three pages. Thank you for the imagery, Stephanie. I’m so glad I know just how many things upon Rebecca’s person are brand new. 

Anyway, Rebecca’s computer teacher announces that the high school has finally set up an email system at the school and each student will have their own account, which they can only use to email other school accounts and post bulletin board messages. He passes out instructions for setting up the accounts and lets them loose.

Leslie is quickly revealed to be the skankier, more rebellious of the pair and immediately sets to finding some hot seniors to email. Like an 80 year-old discovering her first PC, Rebecca wonders why she would want to email anyone when she could write them a note or see them face to face. She thinks Leslie is being “insane” and “out of control” when she posts an anonymous personal ad to the bulletin board. “This isn’t a pickup joint!” she sniffs, still in her 80 year old trance. 

Leslie begins to write Rebecca one, using her codename, Lavender. 

Beautiful Capricon, 5’1” with long light brown hair and chocolate brown eyes, loves sunsets, playing saxophone, travel. 

Leslie adds: 

Seeks fabulous date for homecoming dance. Even though it’s still six weeks away, it’s never too early for romance!

Still pretending to be an 80 year old, Rebecca protests that the last part seems too desperate, because posting a personal ad to the school message boards wasn’t desperate to begin with. 

Sidebar, I just noticed that her personal ad says she’s 5’1”. I mean, I’m not a lot taller than her, but for a junior in high school that seems very short. Is she even big enough to hold her saxophone? 

After school, our 80 year-old dwarf heads to Java Joe’s to practice with her jazz band, Synergy. Yes, her band is named Synergy. I’ll just let that sink in for a moment. 

Anyway, it turns out that their tech guy has run off to Colorado with a girl so he has been replaced with a new guy, Jordan West. Rebecca knows him because their fathers both teach at the nearby college. He is apparently an “annoying activist type” who seems to enjoy telling everyone the evils of everything they enjoy.

Rebecca and Jordan get off on the wrong foot, because Rebecca is still being a geriatric stick in the mud. 

Her bandmates are playing cards prior to her arrival, and when Jordan is introduced to them he joins the game and has the audacity to call her “Becky.” She snorts and stomps at them like a bull in heat for a while about not getting to the rehearsal, even though they have no upcoming performances, before slamming her case shut and storming out. 

Spoiler alert: Rebecca loves storming out in this book. 

The next day, Leslie informs Rebecca that her email scheme has already gotten her five dates and she needs Rebecca to help her scope out whether these guys are cool or not. If they show up and she’s not into them, she plans to stand them up. Rebecca is horrified, but goes along with it anyway. Following this discussion is an unfortunate encounter with Jordan where he tells her she’s a murderer for eating chicken and that her band hates her for being so uptight. She again snarls at him and storms out. Leslie tells her Jordan was just flirting. 

It’s hard to tell which character you’re supposed to like at this point. Jordan is a tool, but he’s harmless. Meanwhile, Rebecca is a curmudgeonly elf who keeps yelling at everyone. Do I really care if either of these characters has a happy ending so far? Meh. 

I wasn’t going to go into detail about Leslie meeting her dates, but I’d like to mention their screennames. Leslie chooses to stand up Spike, Valentino, Rocker, and Teddy Bear before finally approaching Dr. Gorgeous. I really can’t wait for the nineties to be over so these people can learn how to use the internet. Meanwhile, Rebecca attempts to ask a hot foreign exchange student to Homecoming, but chickens out.

This book is a whirlwind of ACTION.

Jordan tries to be nice to Rebecca by arranging a serious rehearsal with the band, but when he approaches her she flips out at him for making plans without consulting her. How DARE he try to do something nice! Usurpers! No one can take down the Synergy dictatorship!

And now, you guessed it…she storms away. 

At rehearsal, the other band members are selfish enough to suggest they might want to quit the band if Rebecca can’t get them a gig in the near future. Rebecca can’t understand why her dictatorship should include actually finding shows for her group to play. Jordan has a few ideas and offers to help, but Rebecca is not thrilled that he is trying to actually be helpful and save her band because, though she is a grumpy elderly woman, she is still enough of a teenager to be jealous that she’s not her band’s fav anymore. 

As Rebecca sort of tries to find a gig, her paranoia continues to escalate. She is furious that Jordan didn’t mention talking to Java Joe about playing a gig at his café, despite her having told him she didn’t want his help or to associate with him in any way. She becomes increasingly convinced that the band never wanted to play gigs until Jordan came along, that the one night she stormed out on them they conspired against her at the pizza parlor, and that if she doesn’t find them a gig the band will reform without her under the management of Jordan West, the VILLAIN!

Rebecca is insane. I just can’t get over it, y’all. 

Meanwhile, Rebecca’s personal ad hasn’t gotten much attention, so Leslie writes her a new one that “sizzles.” The messages soon come pouring in. Rebecca decides to give a chance to a “Carlos” who writes her this eloquent missive: 

Hi, Lavender!

How are you today? This is my first time trying E-mail. I saw your message posted on the bulletin board, so I thought I’d try it out. This is kind of weird, but it’s fun too. Please let me know if you get this message, and you want to be E-mail pals, that would be great.

Have a nice day,

Carlos

Rebecca replies: 

Hi, Carlos!

Thanks for your message. I hope your day is going well. You’re write about how weird this E-mail thing is!

Take care,

Lavender

Wow, sparks are truly flying. 

Carlos’ next message about the smell of a lavender field in Switzerland is poetic and definitely heterosexual. Lavender sends back a really boring email, but things are totally getting serious anyway, despite her having the personality of a tennis shoe. 

Rebecca receives a note from Jordan suggesting some places she might want to contact about gigs since she won’t let him help, but she tosses it in the trash, raging about how INSENSITIVE this jerk is! He’s totally making fun of her and wants to see her fail before he overtakes her throne! She hides from him in the boy’s bathroom and cries over what a terrible person he is for giving her a list of made up venues.

Rebecca begins to suspect that Carlos is, in reality, the foreign exchange student, Antonio and proceeds to fantasize daily about him. Imagining they share some romantic secret, she even makes some embarrassing comments about lavender and sunsets to him that tries to pretend he understands.

At rehearsal, Jordan reveals that the venues he gave her were very real and he was just trying to help. Rebecca is very embarrassed as she realizes what an enormous idiot she is. Jordan announces that he talked to the principal about opening for the headlining band at the homecoming dance and Rebecca is almost excited enough to forget how insecure she is. Jordan finally calls her out for being a paranoid maniac and I almost have a character to care about now. Actually, enjoy this little dialogue for yourself. 

“You are the most paranoid person I’ve ever met,” he said. “No, I take that back. You’re the most paranoid.”

“Call me whatever you want. The fact remains that you’ve gained the upper hand,” I snapped, poking a finger at his chest to emphasize my point.

Jordan held my finger and moved it out of the way. “Listen to yourself. You’re a control freak. Get a grip.”

My jaw tensed. “You can’t even defend yourself – All you can do is call me names,” I seethed. “’Get a grip’ -- How articulate! Mr. Sensitivity strikes again.”

“And Ms. Touchy gets bent out of shape again,” Jordan countered.

“As if I don’t have a reason to be.” I stood up, my face only inches away from his. I glared at him. “Just do me a favor, Jordan – stay out of my way.”

“My pleasure,” he said, staring back at me. “Consider it done.” 

It doesn’t explicitly say so, but I think we all know how Rebecca exits this scene…stormily. 

At this point in my blog, I was wondering if the author was really trying to copy the snappy arguments of Nora Ephron, so I decided to compare the release dates of this book and “You’ve Got Mail.” Turns out this book came out two years earlier, amazingly enough. This argument had me pulling out the popcorn! I could almost heart Tom Hanks calling Meg Ryan “Ms. Touchy.” Who ever thought up such a great quip by themselves?!

In the world of E-mail romance, Leslie has met a romantic British guy named Edward in a chat room and introduces Rebecca to the idea of a cyber date. She tells her all about how she and Edward walked along the Thames and gazed at Big Ben in the moonlight. She suggests Rebecca do the same with Carlos. On a Saturday night, Rebecca uses the computer at Leslie’s to go on a date with Carlos.

At band practice, when Jordan makes a slight suggestion to Rebecca about her saxophone playing, she challenges him to prove how good he is, though he warns her that it’s a bad idea. She insists, convinced he’ll be terrible (even though she knows his dad is a music professor...................). But he proves himself to be a prodigal saxophonist, embarrassing her in front of the whole band and further proving her paranoia. Even though he sincerely tried to prevent her from humiliating herself, she is still convinced he’s the worst person alive.

I really don’t have the energy to type out this whole cyber date, but my desire to show you how terrible it is outweighs my laziness. I’m rereading it and laughing so hard since it was clearly written by a twelve year old. I’ll just abbreviate the names. 

Carlos: Are you afraid of heights?

Lavender: No. What did you have in mind?

C: I thought we could go to the top of a rocky bluff and dance under the stars.

L: It sounds great! How should I dress? Formal or casual?

C: Since I’m wearing a tux, I hope you’re in the mood to dress up.

L: It just so happens that I’m wearing a black velvet evening gown with dangling rhinestone earrings. (Glamour!Glamour!Glamour!)

C: Good, then you won’t be underdressed.

L: There’s only one problem though – How am I supposed to climb to the top of a rocky bluff in four-inch heels? (Something she’ll obviously need, being the size of garden gnome.)

C: Good question. I don’t want to ruin my tux, either, because it’s a rental. I guess we’ll just have to take my helicopter to the top…Okay, it’s all set. C’mon, hop in. (I love how, even in his fantasy, his tux is a rental. He can afford a helicopter but not his own tux. It’s the small realistic touches that really get you into the spirit of imagination, I guess.)

By the end of the date, Lavender finally works up the courage to ask Carlos to the homecoming dance. They decide to not meet until that night for full romantic value. 

At school the next day, Rebecca humiliates herself yet again. She strolls up to Antonio, who is flirting with some other skank, and babbles at him about tuxes, rocky bluffs, and their date in a few weeks. He looks completely confused, but nods and agrees to get the crazy lady to leave him alone. Not one to be ignored however, Rebecca makes her second move a few days later. While Antonio is on a phone call, she walks up to him, gets as creepily close as she possibly can, and whispers in his ear, “I’ll see you tomorrow night.” She walks away seductively before he can tell her about the restraining order he has filed against her. 

At the dance, Jordan and Rebecca are surprisingly civil to each other, chatting away about the dates they’re both waiting for who seem to never show up. It’s not enough of a coincidence for them to take notice. Finally, Jordan mentions that his date is named Lavender. Rebecca, the elderly paranoid goblin, lashes out at him for intentionally pranking into her thinking she was talking to Antonio the whole time just for the sake of laughing at her. She screams at him that she hates him and – can you guess what happens next? An exit that involves storming and awayness. 

Jordan writes her a very sweet email telling her that he had a great time with her and wishes they could talk about what happened, but Rebecca can see RIGHT THROUGH HIM!!! Somehow, she manages to get a date with Antonio that day. Maybe he figured he’d safer if he knew her location at all times. He’ll probably have someone tail them, just to be safe. 

But it turns out that Antonio had a real hard-on for her after she whispered in his ear creepily a few days before. On their date, he tries to park and bone with her, but she quickly intercepts him with her saxophone and makes him drive her home. 

Also, it turns out that Leslie’s romantic Brit was actually a group of college guys who stole their friend's email and pranked her. Something similar happened to me once, but I was twelve, so I don’t have a ton of sympathy for her. 

On a band bonding trip, Jordan finally does something smart and tells Rebecca he doesn’t think she can make it up to him after going out with Antonio just to spite him. He leaves her rejected and alone, just as she should be for being a huge bitch. 

Unfortunately, at their gig that weekend, Jordan finally admits that he misses her and decides they can be together, even though it’s a terrible idea. Even their final reconciliatory conversation inspires very little hope for their future together. 

Jordan tenderly kissed the top of my head. “No more fighting, okay?”

“Okay,” I said contentedly. “Not unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“When would it be absolutely necessary?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said with a mischievous smile. “Say if one us accidentally locks the keys in the car.”

“That would be a good reason,” Jordan teased. “Or an even better reason would be if one us throws away a list of jazz clubs that the other one worked so hard to get.”

I shook my head. “That’s not a good reason.” 

Then they kiss and it’s all great, even though Rebecca has basically just promised to never admit she’s wrong and only start fights about things that are his fault. Very healthy relationship. 

I just don’t even know how to sum this book up. It would almost be charmingly outdated if the characters weren’t so terrible. I could say, “Aw, how cute, she’s learning to use the internet” if the main character wasn’t a completely insane, vile shrew who wrote emails as eloquently as a newborn koala bear. 

Rebecca didn’t deserve any of the things she got in this book. What she deserved was for her band to fall part, Jordan to meet some other nice hippie who cared as much about the fur industry as him, for her BFF to get murdered by Edward who turned out to be the Craigslist killer, and for Antonio to take her back to his home country and sell her into slavery. 

Too harsh? Maybe, but I feel that’s only fair repayment for having had to read this book twice.

F MINUS!